I realized very early in my life that I was not a fun person to be around with.
There was a phase from my childhood where I was not quite the 'qualified friend' to be included in the circles of my peers that I, unfortunately remembered vividly, crystal clear. Not an outcast per se, not bullied as well, but I had the 'privilege' to experience the mild actions of being denied/rejected by friends I desperately wanted to hang with. There were a few times where I was included but I felt dejected because the reluctance on their faces was too transparent to get unnoticed. I believe it happened for quite a relatively short time, but that short time was crucial. I was just a kid, an age where friends are a vulnerable subject.
For kids, friends are all that matters at that age. Being acknowledged and accepted by friends is the most important from all. Any rejection would crush their world.
(In reference of The World of Us — 2016)
So those unfortunate events, unluckily, imprinted permanently in my head and impacted the foundation of my self-esteem for the rest of my life, heavily.
Today, I'm a grown up with severe fear of rejection and abandonment.
In a lot of occassions, I'm too engulfed by the unhealthy assumption that people will eventually neglect me for being so un-fun so I make the first initiative of drifting away from them, which then most of the times makes me appear like an asshole who can't appreciate relationship for shit.
Years later, I learned the hard way that getting too attached to someone will only do more bad than good. So I put myself at a safe distance where I work on friendly term with people to stay sane but not intimate enough for things to get too personal.
I haven't once escaped that phase of my childhood yet. The quarter century old me has been begging to put this throbbing childhood misery to past and rest. On God I pray for myself everyday.
It’s terrible enough that I have to write this depressing note on my very birthday.
